Hello January

January.

A new month. A new year. So much potential.

Everyone seems to be coming up with all kinds of resolutions and I think in a way, it’s a beautiful thing. It seems hopeful to me. To be able to look forward to the new year, full of excitement and joy and hope. I just see so much potential and I love that everyone around me feels the same. It just feels promising.

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I’ve always sort of made resolutions, made mental notes to myself of things that I want to accomplish. It’s usually the standard things: I want to get healthy, I want to lose weight, I want to save money, I want to start a new exercise routine. The usual. I buy the diet books, I get a gym membership or a yoga mat, I download the budget app.

But then it falls through. It all falls through and I end up getting really down on myself. I have this really, really nasty cycle in my life. I want to do something, I tell everyone that I want to do the thing, I start doing the thing, I lose any belief in myself and so I get scared, and I don’t do the thing. Next time that I want to do something, I start doing the thing but then I think about how I failed the last thing and I feel defeated.

I hate this. I feel like I never get anything done, I never feel any pride in myself, and I feel like no one in my life really believes in me. It’s created this really nasty mind set and I feel horrible about myself on a regular basis. I feel like I’m drowning.

So what does any of this have to do with January? What does this have to do with New Year’s Resolutions?

I’m not writing out a list of everything that I want to do. I’m not doing that to myself. My only goal this year is to accept myself. Wholly as I am. Love, acceptance, patience. I am focusing on giving myself a break. I need to learn how to breathe. I am the first to say that every woman is strong, fierce, brave, sexy, soft, strong, and wonderful just as she is but I can’t see that in myself.

I deserve love.

And I am going to try to really believe that.

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We’re the kids who feel like dead ends

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