I’m not going to lie to you. This isn’t going to be my normal post. I just have a lot on my mind that I need to get out, you know? I have thoughts bouncing around in my mind and I need to dump it somewhere.
I’ve talked about my mental health before, my anxiety and my depression. I think that part of it that gets frustrating is that you don’t know if what you’re thinking and feeling is normal or not, if everyone feels this way. It seems like I’m lost in my head but then I think that if everyone feels this way, then why can’t I get my shit together? Or am I the only one that feels this way?
Lately, I’ve been struggling with feeling like I’m not enough. I have dreams. I have goals for my future. I want to make a living writing this blog, I want to write a book, I want to travel, I want to have a cozy home with a cat. I know what I want my life to look like. It’s like there’s this constant voice in my head telling me that I’m not enough.
God, I can’t get it to shut up. I have such a fear and an anxiety of not being enough. Not smart enough. Not kind enough. Not positive enough. Not skinny enough. Not pretty enough. Not organized enough. Not funny enough. Not a good enough friend, daughter, writer, employee.
I feel like I don’t even know how to be a good enough adult. Like basic fucking things that adults can manage, I can’t even get my head wrapped around it. When was the last time I went for a check up? Did I manage to drink water today? Did I eat an actual meal? I don’t think I did…that’s probably why I’m dizzy. The five cups of coffee probably doesn’t help either. When did I last see a dentist? Oh god, is that a cavity? That’s totally a cavity. How the fuck am I supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
It’s like everyone around me is swimming with the current and I am floundering, trying desperately to keep up but I’m just tripping over myself. I feel like I’m getting closer and closer to 30 and beyond and I am falling behind my peers.
I dream of the day that I am a responsible adult who has a proper skincare routine with glossy hair and does yoga and eats a plant based diet and reads books but I feel like a swamp witch who spends my days drinking shitty coffee and watching Netflix.
And I wish that I could wrap this post up for you with some kind of empowering message, tell you that these are the things I’m doing to make myself feel better. I wish that I could give you some kind of message about how things are going to be okay but right now, I’m not sure. I don’t have those answers.
I guess, if there’s anything I can offer you…it’s that you’re not alone. If you’re feeling like this, you’re not the only one. You’re not alone in this mess. I see you. We live in a world with Instagram and Youtube and everyone looks like they have their shit together and maybe they do but I’m here to tell you that I sure as shit don’t.
I’m sorry about this post but I had to get it out. I want you all to know that if you ever need to talk, I’m here to listen.
I love you.
Photo by my best friend, Erin ❤